A ROOM. A MAN BLIND-FOLDED AND GAGGED, BOUND TO A CHAIR. OPPOSITE HIM AN EMPTY CHAIR AND A STACK OF NEWSPAPERS. ENTER MR JONES.
JONES: My name is Mr Jones. They say that you know me. You say that we have met. You say that you want to do business. These are very serious allegations. I think you will find that none of this can be verified. There will be no records, there are no records. I am not the messenger, I do not have a message. I do travel, in fact travel is a prerequisite of my job. Do you mind if I take my boots off. I have a blister. Thank you.
SITS AND TAKES OFF BOOTS
I need new boots. Did you know that your feet expand when you fly. Do you mind if I smoke? Just nod. Once for yes. Twice for no. I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch that. Was that a no or a yes? I must warn you I get very angry if I don’t smoke. Thank you. That’s very kind of you.
TAKES OUT A CIGAR
Yes, this is a very big fat cigar, Cuban, Santa Mariana.
LIGHTS CIGAR
Me, Winston and Fidel. We have five minutes. I have been reading the papers. There is no mention of you. Guantanemo Bay, that is not a place I would like to go on holiday. But first things first, to begin where I always begin when reading the papers
READS FROM NEWSPAPER
“The stone has fallen into the water. Now all you have to do is watch the ripples. These are impressive. Powerful repercussions appear to be attached to a recent dramatic development. You have made a big decision in which there is no going back. You did not fully realise at the time what it would lead to. If you had foreseen the whole picture, you might have thought twice. It is just as well you could not foresee it. What is unfolding is right. Let it unfold.”
Aquarius.
How true is that, it could not be more true. Let me ask you a question. How much does a life cost? Do you know the answer to this? Shall I tell you the answer? I know the answer to this because I have been reading the papers. Twelve pounds. Twelve pounds that is how much. What can you buy for twelve pounds?
HOLDS PAPER UP
That’s how much they paid this young boy to blow himself up. Now let’s have a look and see what else is going on. I hope it’s not all doom and gloom.
READS PAPER
“Why I shot my wife dead over breakfast.” Does a man really need to justify such a thing?
READS PAPER
“The day a king wept with his people.”
“Princess in tears leads grief for train blast victims�.”
“Moroccan and his step-sister charged over the bombings.”
� that�s all right then another wog banged up.
Here, you�ll like this, this is a really important piece of news: “Scientists say size of jaw separates us from the monkeys.” It makes you think, doesn’t it? It certainly does. Which one of us is the monkey and which of us is not? Now this really is an important piece of information. I do not often read the Financial Times but today I made an exception and this is what I have found out.
READS PAPER
“ The Armed forces will not recover to the level where they could fight another conflict the size of last years war for at least another five years.”
That is very worrying for democracy, Mr Smith. You don’t mind if I call you Mr Smith, do you? No I didn’t think you would. Very worrying indeed. And I truly hope that this does not affect the cost of hamburgers or petrol prices. My wife, I have a wife, my wife is a pacifist. I also do not believe in killing fellow humans or any form of life. But I live in the world, a world which welcomes death and which is dedicated to this in the pursuit of taking over the world - regardless of death
HOLDS UP PAPER
Twelve pounds. Where was he going to spend it, in heaven?
It’s buildings and machinery that cost money. None of this is personal. None of the killings are personal. It’s very rare nowadays for the victim to see their assailant. And the reason for this is technology. Technology is a wonderful thing. It can do for us in five minutes what would have taken maybe five hundred men to do in five days. This newspaper for instance. Technology allows us to be truly objective. When they dropped the bomb on Hiroshima, the pilot looked back and said, “Wow, that looks amazing” or words to that effect. Technology enabled him to say that. I am a great believer in technology.
READS PAPER
“Libya welcomed back into the fold.”
The kiss of Judas.
READS QUICKFIRE HEADLINES
“Wedding ring killer gets life”
“Why do geeks pull the best looking birds?”
“A short Beck and sides please love”
“It’s a fair crop guv”
“End of heart attacks. Nobody under 65 will die from a coronary after the year 2013.” But there’s plenty of things to die of before that isn’t there Mr Smith?
Now here’s a man that I could really do business with. Listen to this, you’ll like this:
“Vicious bike-riding nut slashes two thousand tyres”
“The mad cyclist’s revenge”
“Car hater stabs seventeen hundred tyres after being splashed by passing motorist”
This is a man who has developed a hatred for the motorist and has taken revenge. Ashley Carpenter, 37, no driving licence, no job, no wife, nothing, went on a ten-day rampage. He left home on his bike during hours of darkness and randomly slashed the tyres of nearly six hundred cars. The damage has been estimated at nearly quarter of a million pounds. Here is a man who had nothing but the belief that he was right and the courage to act on it. This is a man I understand.
And now before we start by the way just one more question
PICKS UP PAPER
“What sex is your brain?”
Written and performed by Simon Bent - 25th March 2004
Copywright © 2004 Simon Bent